The Bitch is Back

Well, here I am. Back again. And living through the one thing I swore that I'd never live through again...life with all the weight back on. And then some. That's right, I've gained it all back with a little extra thrown in for good measure.

So I had an epiphany the other morning. I was watching The Biggest Loser while working my way through an entire half gallon of ice cream. I was bawling as I watched it. Not just a little teary-eyed. Not just a couple of tears here or there. I mean body-wracking, shaking all over, can't breathe sobbing. Especially when Michael was talking about how much he hated being fat and that he's lost almost 200 pounds and still had to shop in a fat man's store. His anger quickly became my anger...and angst.

I hate this life. I hate not being able to buy the clothes I want because they don't come in my size. I hate being self-conscious about everything I wear or do because I'm fat. I hate the fact that I smile and make jokes so that no one can tell that I'm dying on the inside from letting myself get to this lowly state. I hate my body, and I feel like I'm trapped inside it. The fat is literally eating away at my soul, and I can't take it anymore.

The ironic part about all this is that the more angry and sad I became, the more ice cream I shoved into my fat face.

Finally, it dawned on me. I love food, and I love eating. But not this much. And I can eat well and enjoy food without having to gorge myself on it. The first bite taste the same as the hundreth, right?

So I started thinking...what do I want out of life the most right now. What is the one thing that I want more than anything? Ironically, it's not to be thinner. It's to have a baby.

So I made a deal with my husband. When I lose 15% of my current body weight, we will start trying to get pregnant.

It may sound ridiculous to the casual observer. Why lose weight just to get pregnant and get fat again? Isn't that defeating the purpose? I mean, why not get pregnant now, then try to lose the weight all at one time?

Simply, I'm not healthy enough to get pregnant right now. Oh, I'm sure that I could physically get pregnant and carry a baby to term. But that doesn't mean that it's a good idea. My body is a freakin wasteland right now, and I don't even want to be in it. Why put a baby inside that?

It's also going to be a really good motivational tactic. I see babies right now, and my body literally aches to have another one. It's all I think about. I even DREAM about it almost every time I sleep lately. So when faced with a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a half gallon of cookie dough explosion ice cream, what will make me the most likely to turn away from it? Knowing that if I indulge, it will mean that I will be without an infant that much longer.

So here I am, beginning this weight loss journey yet again, but with a little more motivation this time. Hopefully, I can use this 15% goal as a means to keep me motivated until this whole thing becomes more of a lifestyle change for me and seems like second nature. I vow right here and now to update this blog regularly, get back into my WW online support group, and make decisions every day that will lead to a thinner and healthier me. So look out everyone. I'm back!