Oops, I did it again...

Thursday night was supposed to be my weigh-in night. But since I didn't work that night, I'm going to have to face the scale on Monday night instead. I'll be sure to report back to you what happens there.

However, this week has not been a good one for me. Lots of emotional stressors, and I've binged a few times. It wasn't pretty. There was one night that I woke up at about 2am and realized, in a panic, that there was cookie dough in my house. Instead of just going back to sleep (like a sane person) or getting up and dumping it out (like a rational person,) I got up and baked what cookie dough I had left, eating all 18 cookies that it made over the course of three different episodes. Where's the logic in that? I'm scared that the cookie dough in my house is going to set me up for failure, so I binge on it just to get rid of it? Am I freakin' insane?

The season finale of Biggest Loser was this week, and true to form, I cried through the entire thing. I want that moment. I want that instant where someone sees you after a long seperation and they are totally amazed into speechlessness at how incredible you look. I want someone I love to see me transformed and have tears in their eyes. I want to hear someone say, "Look at what you've done! I'm so proud of you."

The reality? I ain't gonna get there drowning my sorrows in cookie dough and M&Ms.

So it's moving forward from here. I'm awake right now, and I know that I need to pick up a few things from Food Lion that I couldn't get during my grocery trip to Aldi today. However, I also know that going to the grocery store while everyone else is asleep is a minefield for me. I go there, and I always end up coming home with something forbidden that I devour in the dark, then cram the evidence into the dark recesses of a garbage bag like a criminal. And I've already caught those little demons in my head debating on what kind of sugary concoctions might be available in the bakery and how good spinach dip and Tostitos would be right now.

So I made a proud decision. I'm gonna eat some apple slices dipped in sugar free caramel dip. (Thank you Splenda!) Then I'll head to Food Lion in the less dangerous daylight hours when someone is here and awake, and I have some tangible form of accountability.

This journey is so hard for so many reasons. I was watching Intervention tonight, and the crack addict on the show was saying, "I have this big gaping hole in myself, and I'm always trying to fill it with drugs." I know his feeling, only I'm stuffing that hole full of food, which in and of itself is my own personal form of crack. I'm not entirely sure about the origins of said hole, or why other things don't seem to fill it quite as nicely as food does. But the one thing I do know is that I have to find something else that works, and find a better way to live. Much like the aforementioned crackhead, I'm hitting bottom pretty quickly, and it's time to ask for help.

So the binges from the week are behind me, and I've made honest attempts to get healthy foods into my house while trying to limit the unhealthy things. I've recognized my destructive behaviors for what they are, and I've made conscious decisions that have shown that if I practice STRS before acting on my food instincts (Stop, Think, Realize and Substitute,) that I have the power to avoid these binges. Knowing that I can do it, andd actually DID do it tonight during a really weak moment, gives me hope that I'm moving forward from the two steps back I took earlier in the week. So I'm off to enjoy my guilt-free snack, knowing that I will rest much better without the guilt of an entire loaf of cinnamon raisin bread on my shoulders and in my stomach. (By the way, that is what I had decided to buy and devour had I actually made that trip to Food Lion)